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It's funny how things work out. It's completely amazing, in the worst possible way of course, how we've become connected to one another because of this delusional facade. I think from all of this, I've told myself "I learned I can't trust anybody." I know I'm lying to myself though. I'm weak. I'm not going to deny it. I often get the feeling that I'm being taken advantage of. It's most likely true, but I choose to ignore the fact that anything more horrible could possibly be going wrong in my life at the moment. This whole situation shows every shade of being unsubstantial, ...and further more. It's actually kind of humerous. It makes me depressed to think that I've wasted three years on a person I thought I trusted my life with. Someone that made all of my problems go away. Someone I truely believed was the one. And just when I think that nothing negative could bring me down, it just so happens that it in fact can. This time 10 times worse.
I'm not one to hold a grudge though. Even when I should. I'm not one to go out of my way to hate another because of a mistake, or something someone can't help.
I feel like I want to say, don't worry. It's not your fault. But I'm not sure if I actually mean that when I say it. I want to mean it though, don't get me wrong. It's just I know it takes two to engage in what happened. I only can wish that I could've prevented it. I wish I saw it coming earlier. I wish so many things, but all I can do now is feel sorry. Feel sorry for you, and for him I guess? Even for myself. Call me an asshole for feeling sorry for myself. Whatever, because I honestly do. Nobody deserves to be hurt. Atleast that's what I believe. Even when they've hurt someone themselves, what is even more hurt going to do? It's not making anything better at all. That's why this is all so stupid.
If people could just accept what they've done, admit it, and show any sign of affection or concern, you don't even know how happy that would make me. & if people could look past other's mistakes, and maybe put themselves in their position, maybe then they'd see what it feels like to mess up, and regret it. Maybe then they'd understand and go on with their lives. It's like we all have nothing better to do than to just hate and have so much negative energy inside of us. It's pretty disgusting.
I never said any of this was easy. I never said it's simple to stop feeling hurt. But it's up to me to stop dwelling. It's up to me to WANT to move on and find happiness in my life. Everything is up to me. If I just sit around hoping things will get better, I'll get nowhere. I got myself in this situation one way or another and I guess I'm going to try my best to find a way out of it. As of now I'm kind of confused. Eventually it will pass though.
I can find a better place in life. I can stop dwelling on the past, and I can try and help you out as well. I just hope you give me the chance.
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jamer's journal
